I'm almost finished with my Dreamcast game, Hidden Cosmos. I've written the script, which will be one of the finishing touches on the game. Will someone please help me spruce it up? The script is below: Outline - Discovery of alien spacecraft - Reconnaissance for more enemies - Retaliation by aliens - Follow the surviving alien spacecraft (a noncombatant ship) - An entire fleet has been found - We've Found Their Destination: Earth - Close to earth - Final battle - Ending Discovery of Alien Spacecraft Starfleet Commander: Mission Control, we've just discovered alien spacecraft, and we're under attack! Permission to engage. Mission Control: Fire at will! Reconnaissance for more enemies Mission Control: We think there might be more enemies located toward Alpha Centauri. You are ordered to survey the area and attack any alien spacecraft that you encounter. Make sure there are no survivors! Starfleet Commander: Will do. Over and out. Retaliation by aliens Starfleet Commander: We've reached hidden cosmos, and enemy backup has arrived. Mission Control: Do what you can and then hyperjump out of there! Follow the surviving alien spacecraft (a noncombatant ship) Starfleet Commander: I have reports of another alien ship, but I think it might be a reconnaissance unit. No lasers were fired from its direction during the battle. Awaiting your orders. Mission Control: Follow the ship without being detected. We want you to find and destroy the rest of them! An entire fleet has been found Starfleet Commander: There's an entire fleet of them! How can we survive!? Subordinate Officer: We can make it through this, commander. It's our duty. We've Found Their Destination: Earth Mission Control: We've just intercepted an alien transmission. The aliens are planning to invade earth! Close to earth Mission Control: They've made it closer to earth than we thought possible. You must stop the alien fleet or the earth will be melted by their lasers. Do whatever it takes. We're counting on you! Final battle Starfleet Commander: We've eliminated half their fleet, but the others have made it close enough to fire on earth. Attack is inevitable! Mission Control: [silence] Subordinate Officer: Commander, it's just been reported by the communications officer that mission control has gone home to be with their families. We're alone now. The fate of the world is in our hands. Ending Starfleet Commander: It's over. I, I can't believe it. Subordinate Officer: Commander, let's go home.

My edits are in italics. You never said who the target audience is or much about what "Hidden Cosmos" is or who these aliens are or anything, so I had to shoot in the dark. BTW, lest I forget: humor alert! Humor alert!

Discovery of Alien Spacecraft
Starfleet Commander: Mission Control, we're under attack by enemy spacecraft! Permission to shoot back!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Huh! How about that! Guess we forgot to include reasonable discretionary self-defense in the rules of engagement. Silly us, our bad! ... Bakayaro! Fire at will! But of course, by the time this message reaches you, you'll probably all be dead anyway. But hey, that's the laws of physics for ya.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Reconnaissance for more enemies
Mission Control: We have reason to believe there's another enemy fleet vectoring in from Alpha Centauri. You are ordered to scout in that direction and attack any alien spacecraft that you encounter. Make sure there are no survivors!
Starfleet Commander: You got it. They're already toast.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Retaliation by aliens
Starfleet Commander: We've reached the mysterious unexplored region known as Hidden Cosmos, and enemy reinforcements are forming up for attack.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Hidden Cosmos?! Listen, the lab boys really want to learn more about that place. What say you forget this war stuff and make this a scientific mission instead?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Follow the surviving alien spacecraft (a noncombatant ship)
Starfleet Commander: I have reports of an alien ship that got away and is heading into Hidden Cosmos. We think it's a non-combat vessel. It fired no weapons during the battle. I know you said no survivors, but we were thinking maybe we could, like, learn something if we just follow it...?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Good idea. Gather whatever science data you can about Hidden Cosmos, and then kill all the aliens you can find. We don't want any science data on THOSE #@!%&*ers, just on any peaceful alien life you might encounter. And if you find any Higgs boson particles or Dark Matter, the lab boys'd appreciate it if you'd bring some back.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

An entire fleet has been found
Starfleet Commander: There's an entire ginormous fleet of them! Omigod omigod omigod!! How can we survive!?
Subordinate Officer: We can make it through this, commander. It's our duty. Get ahold of yourself, man! Remember your training! Don't let the crew see you like this!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

We've Found Their Destination: Earth
Mission Control: We've just intercepted an alien transmission. The aliens are planning to invade earth!

Close to earth
Mission Control: They've made it closer to earth than we thought possible. You must stop the alien fleet or the earth will be melted by their lasers. Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a few little aliens like them could destroy our beautiful wickedness? Do whatever it takes. We're counting on you! Where's my phone? I gotta call my wife. Where are my car keys?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Final battle
Starfleet Commander: We've eliminated half their fleet, but what's left is more than enough to destroy the earth three times over! And they're headed your way! Launch everything you've got!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: [silence]
Subordinate Officer: Commander, it's just been reported by the communications officer that mission control has gone home to be with their families. We're on our own now. The fate of the world is in our hands. God! This is the biggest colossal #@!%&*up in the history of Starfleet[tm].
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper. STAR TREK, STARFLEET, and related marks are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All rights reserved.

Ending
Starfleet Commander: It's over. I, I can't believe it.
Subordinate Officer: Commander, under Starfleet[tm] regulation number 123 point 456 slash A, I declare you unfit for command. You are relieved. I'm taking this bucket home.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper. STAR TREK, STARFLEET, and related marks are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All rights reserved.

Wow, that is sooo much better. I'm digging it.

You deservedly put your copyright all over it. Can I use your edits? Can I modify it further?

Temecula coder wrote:

>Wow, that is sooo much better. I'm digging it.

You gotta be kidding. It's all tongue in cheek, and some of it clearly cross-purpose.

>You deservedly put your copyright all over it. Can I use your edits? Can I modify it further?

The way this should be done is that the names of all contributors to your game should be in the credits.
Especially unpaid contributors.

Normally you wouldn't just put out a public call for text. I put the copyrights on what I wrote just to illustrate the problem with simply asking for volunteer text as you did. Any person who writes text for you, without a formal agreement between you, has legal ownership of what he wrote. So, normally one would want to execute a "work for hire" agreement, in which the author of the text grants you all rights to the work, for pay (even if just a nominal one dollar). That way, you are not legally encumbered when/if the game is released.

But I'm not interested in getting a dollar or a contract. It was more of a teaching moment than anything else (guess I can't help it, after all I am a teacher). Sure, you can use any of it that you want, but I do expect my name in the credits if you do.

Note also that I flagged your use of the word "Starfleet." Since that's a Star Trek word, you really ought to consider making up a new word of your own. If your game infringes on anyone else's IP in any way, then I wouldn't want my name associated with it.

Oh, and of course the "what a world" bit was a direct ripoff from Wizard of Oz. A joke. It should not be used as it's a very obvious play on the earth being "melted." Everything between "Oh" and "wickedness."

And don't forget to add "Oops, the mic was still on. Dagnabbit!" after "Where are my car keys."

I want your approval on a few changes I've made. Most importantly, I changed Starfleet Commander to Ship Commander and took out the reference to Wizard of Oz. I also changed a few places that I thought might offend the kids of the family I'm giving the game to. They're the conservative type. Here's the new version with changes in italics:

Discovery of Alien Spacecraft
Ship Commander: Mission Control, we're under attack by enemy spacecraft! Permission to shoot back!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Huh! How about that! Guess we forgot to include reasonable discretionary self-defense in the rules of engagement. Silly us, our bad! … Bakayaro! Fire at will! But of course, by the time this message reaches you, you'll probably all be dead anyway. But hey, that's the laws of physics for ya.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Reconnaissance for more enemies
Mission Control: We have reason to believe there's another enemy fleet vectoring in from Alpha Centauri. You are ordered to scout in that direction and attack any alien spacecraft that you encounter. Make sure there are no survivors!
Ship Commander: You got it. They're already toast.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Retaliation by aliens
Ship Commander: We've reached the mysterious unexplored region known as Hidden Cosmos, and enemy reinforcements are forming up for attack.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Hidden Cosmos?! Listen, the lab boys really want to learn more about that place. What say you forget this war stuff and make this a scientific mission instead?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Follow the surviving alien spacecraft (a noncombatant ship)
Ship Commander: I have reports of an alien ship that got away and is heading into Hidden Cosmos. We think it's a non-combat vessel. It fired no weapons during the battle. I know you said no survivors, but we were thinking maybe we could, like, learn something if we just follow it...?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: Good idea. Gather whatever science data you can about Hidden Cosmos, and then kill all the aliens you can find. We don't want any science data on THOSE lowlifes, just on any peaceful alien life you might encounter. And if you find any Higgs boson particles or Dark Matter, the lab boys'd appreciate it if you'd bring some back.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

An entire fleet has been found
Ship Commander: There's an entire ginormous fleet of them! Omigosh omigosh omigosh!! How can we survive!?
Subordinate Officer: We can make it through this, commander. It's our duty. Get ahold of yourself, man! Remember your training! Don't let the crew see you like this!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

We've Found Their Destination: Earth
Mission Control: We've just intercepted an alien transmission. The aliens are planning to invade earth!

Close to earth
Mission Control: They've made it closer to earth than we thought possible. You must stop the alien fleet or the earth will be melted by their lasers. Do whatever it takes. We're counting on you! Where's my phone? I gotta call my wife. Where are my car keys?
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper

Final battle
Ship Commander: We've eliminated half their fleet, but what's left is more than enough to destroy the earth three times over! And they're headed your way! Launch everything you've got!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper
Mission Control: [silence]
Subordinate Officer: Commander, it's just been reported by the communications officer that mission control has gone home to be with their families. We're on our own now. The fate of the world is in our hands. Gosh! This is the biggest colossal mess up in the history of mankind!
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper.

Ending
Ship Commander: It's over. I, I can't believe it.
Subordinate Officer: Commander, under regulation number 123 point 456 slash A, I declare you unfit for command. You are relieved. I'm taking this bucket home.
(c) 2009 Tom Sloper.



By the way that ending is hilarious. I appreciate your work. I'll definitely put you in the credits. [smile]

1. You can take out all my copyright notices.
2. "Gosh" is a little weak. See if you can pep it up.
3. You don't need my approval.
4. Just curious if you know what "bakayaro" means, or why I put that in there?

> 1. You can take out all my copyright notices.
> 2. "Gosh" is a little weak. See if you can pep it up.

Will do.

> 4. Just curious if you know what "bakayaro" means, or why I put that in there?
I looked it up when you first posted. I assume you put it in because he was an idiot not to return fire immediately. Was I right?

Quote: Original post by EnigmaticCoder
> 4. Just curious if you know what "bakayaro" means, or why I put that in there?
I looked it up when you first posted. I assume you put it in because he was an idiot not to return fire immediately. Was I right?

Yeah. Some Japanese words have sort of weaseled their way into the game vocabulary.