I've always had a few ideas I wanted to pull into a story. I don't suppose I'm good enough writer to develop characters and thrilling plots, but this is one of my ideas I hope will become a story one day.

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She saw mirriads of forgotten private histories, swept away by the tides of time. Wars and disease, food recipes and love affairs, fields covered with grass and claustrophobic ore mines. She saw sweat and laughter, cautious expectation of first period and dark devastation of death. She saw history the way its meant to be seen, through the eyes of its makers. Everything so endlessly important, yet omitted from history books was in the palm of her hand. She felt nostalgia sweep over her soul, nostalgia over times and places she never saw, people she never met. A cool breeze made her open her eyes. She got up from her chair and walked towards the window, looking over dozens of people going about their business on the cold Tuesday morning. It was time to go to work.
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[edited by - CoffeeMug on May 12, 2003 5:43:26 PM]

Wow CofeeMug ! That''s very cool. I think that would make a perfect opening piece for an angel of death (a Halaku, if you have ever heard of a roleplaying game called Demon: the Fallen ?)
Short and to the point, yet evocative. Sweet

Sancte Isidore ora pro nobis !

quote: Original post by ahw
Wow CofeeMug ! That's very cool.

Thanks. You seem to have a better opinion of my writing then I do

quote:
I think that would make a perfect opening piece for an angel of death (a Halaku, if you have ever heard of a roleplaying game called Demon: the Fallen ?)

No, I never heard of it. I'm not really into game writing, I like writing in general. I wish I took some writing classes and someone tought me about character development and story creation. I think I could actually be a writer if I had the training. May be one day...

[edited by - CoffeeMug on May 13, 2003 4:56:47 PM]

By the way, I love it as is, I just felt like doing something and your passage was cool and interesting.

And some of the grammar changes weren''t mistakes, I just thought a briefer sentence structure would be more, well, punctual.

Anyways, here''s the bold stuff. Actually made a couple of other changes from the last one.

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You''d think that with all the time we spend in this damn thing they''d take the time to make it a little more comfortable.

"Final check, we go in five."

That''s our squad leader; he''s been leading us on these raids for years now. He''s pretty good; we usually come back in one piece, anyways. I suppose I''d better go ahead and check my gear. I''ve been using this stuff for so long I don''t even need to look at what I''m doing. Ammo cases on my belt. Grenades: two smoke, two concussion, two high-explosive, one incendiary. They don''t like us to set fire to stuff too much, makes ''em nervous. All there, on to the gun. Ammo canister in place, fully loaded. Canister ejection system working, trigger isn''t jammed, display... no mechanical faults detected. Gotta love weaponry that tells you when it breaks down; saves you a few precious seconds when you could better use ''em hitting the dirt.

Everything''s ready; place gun butt-down on the ground, hold the barrel. Easiest way to signal that you''re all ready. It''s the little things that turn a good squad into a veteran squad, and a veteran squad into one of us. We are the best of the best, the Elite. And we''re going to show someone just what that means; it''s just too fucking bad they won''t live to tell anyone else.

"Touchdown in 10..."

Damn helmet radios, always crackling...

"9... 8... 7..."

We all stand as one, watching our squad leader''s face twist in a humorless grin as he watches us back. He loves it, calls us his "ballistically enhanced ballerinas."

Real cute.

"3... 2..."

Now for the drop... Engage suit reactors. Commence praying. Time for the fun part.

"1... Good luck boys."

And we drop.

* bump *
Sorry for ressurecting, but I think this thread has a lot of unexplored potential. Surely there are others who can post some of their writing? Besides, I want some feedback on mine

me toooooooo
Or I am gonna post it on its own.
I know it''s lengthy, but heck, it''s supposed to be a text to put whoever plays the character "into the mood". So I dont really think a few lines would have been enough.

Sancte Isidore ora pro nobis !

Alright, I''ll allow people to critique my writing. This is something I whipped up for an RPG message board I go to on a regular basis and am slowly turning into a book. Hope you enjoy it.

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Chapter One

Dawn broke over the horizon, the sleepy little village awoke to the sound birds chirping in the trees, cows lowing in the fields and the morning wagons making their deliveries. The week of the Red Moon had finally finished, now things could return to normal. The time of the Red Moon was a time of fear for everyone, it was the one time during the year when the Wardings were at their weakest, and the fearsome creatures were free to roam the land. During the day, people were safe enough to walk the streets but at night... that is when the terror would start. Centuries ago, the people of the land had learned to stay indoors once dusk had started to fall during this time. Occasionally, there would be the odd reports of people wandering out into the night during this time. All that would be found of them would be the odd bone and if lucky, a little blood.

The village went about its usual daily activities, selling, buying, baking, and repairing. Children laughed in the streets as if the past week had not been one filled with terrifying sounds that seemed to echo across the valley. On this bright day, it was hard to believe that the past week had been one of horrifying nightmares roaming the land. Ladies talked while the shopped for household items, men bragged about daring exploits from long ago childhood days, children played and ran through the streets. To watch this village was to think that the world was perfect, and it was... until three days ago.

During the week of the Red Moon, the Wardings would take time from keeping the Celestial Barrier in place to regain their strength. They did this in order to be stronger during the rest of the year until the next Red Moon time. There were nine Wardings in total, the temples constantly training young girls for the task ahead in case one should fall. Only those with the most powerful of magic was allowed into the temple for it was their youth and their strength that was needed to keep the Barrier going for most of the year. Only the high priestesses knew the locations of each of the Wardings, equaling nine in total once again. There was a Warding for each priestess, the locations kept secret so that if one priestess were forced to tell, the other eight Wardings would be kept in secret.

However, someone had managed to locate all nine of the Wardings without the help of the priestesses. They had not been afraid to go out into the night while the creatures roamed free, turning them into an army of unimaginable strength and size. It did not take long to be able to force the creatures to follow them, the beasts had simple minds with simple urges, to kill and feed off all they came across. While this person was busy working getting the creatures into an army, others were busy siphoning off the powers of the Wardings, making them weaker during this time so they would not be able to keep the Celestial Barrier at full strength.

In the very center of the lands lay a huge city of many races. No one particular race tried to lay claim to the city, having formed a nobility of all the races. There was no one ruler of the city or the lands, each race had one representative in the noble council that would speak for their people. Everyone in the lands felt this was a fair form of government and very rarely was it tempted with corruption. When someone was able to bribe one of the council, it was dealt with swiftly and harshly. The corrupted official would be removed and a new member placed onto the council. Because of the punishments, corruption was rarely an issue.

When word reached the city of the troubles with the Wardings, the council convened immediately. The large room had a huge table and many chairs, one for each noble. The room was in a chaos this early morning, each having their own theories as to what happened to the Wardings.
"What are we going to do about the outer villages? They won''t stand a chance against these abominations!"
"You are correct, Milord. We must find a way to get them here safely but it will be impossible since they are many days away."
"Perhaps our troops could go out and escort them back."
"A good suggestion. But how do we manage to do this with very little panic?"
"Coax them here with a festival. That''ll keep their minds off of the dangers for now."
"Then it''s settled. We have our troops escort the people more then one days travel to the city. Send out word that we will be holding a large festival in honor of the time of the Blue Moon. That''ll keep people too busy to worry about rumors."
With everyone in agreement, the council left to send word to the outer villages. Hopefully, their plan would work.

The troops had set out immediately, their armor and weapons glistening in the morning sunlight. Many of the city dwellers wondered what was going on until some of the messengers started putting up notices about the upcoming festival. A festival this close after the Red Moon was something that happened only rarely. Word rushed through the city like wildfire, hitting the closest villages by midday at the latest. The council looked over the city from the palace balconies, each one of them proud that they had kept the panic to a minimum. Lord Kurtuc did not look pleased though. The representative of the Anthrop people felt that things were going to get worse before the week was over. If only he knew then how right he was.

By nightfall, the troops had reached the first of the outer villages. The people were unsure of what to expect from the men until the captain met with the mayor. After a long meeting with the village officials, the captain stepped out to speak with the villagers. But as he opened his mouth to speak, a high-pitched scream stopped him from saying a word. A young girl, no more then five years old ran through the crowd, screaming about the moon. All eyes turned towards it and more screams were heard through the village. The troops quickly herded the people into their homes and stores, locking the doors tight behind them. As long as they stayed inside, they would be safe.

Loud noises filled the night air as the creatures fled from their daytime hiding places. They were hideous to behold. Scales, feathers, spikes, beaks, they were a vision straight out of a lunatic’s wet dream. They moved swiftly across the lands in search of prey but there seemed to be more order to their movements then there used to be. The bird-like creatures swooped around the night sky; their horrendous cries could be heard echoing across the land. There were strange insect-like creatures that seemed to float on the wind, huge bubbles on their backs keeping them in the air. The land bound creatures were even more vicious then the birds or the insects, their large claws would render flesh clean from the bone while their sharp teeth would crack the bones to get at the delicious marrow inside.

People shuddered at the sounds coming through the small cracks under doors and in windows. They huddled around the warmth of their fires as they waited for morning to come. Hushed voices whispered worriedly after children had fallen into uneasy sleep. The Celestial Barrier was supposed to be in place by now, the creatures safely tucked away behind it. Everyone wondered what could have caused the Barrier not to work.

In the heart of the city, the representatives of the races watched the sky through the windows. The city and the land beyond it was covered in a blood red light. One of the bird-like creatures flew past the window they were looking out, causing the men and women inside to run from the window. They gathered at the table in the center of the room to discuss what to do about the Celestial Barrier.
“Our people can’t hide in fear forever. They will demand something be done about this.”
“You’re right, Milady. But you’ve seen for yourself what these things can do to a person.”
“There is no need to bring up Lady Atiya’s experience with them. It will get us no where and cause her nothing but grief.”
“Thank you, Lord Kurtuc. But I will be fine. It was many years since that unfortunate incident and I believe I am over the grief.” Although Lady Atiya smiled to show that she was fine, there was a deep sadness in her pale, grey eyes. The council continued to discuss the creatures, the representative of the Equinoids finally coming up with some sort of idea.

“We must send someone past the Barrier to find out what’s going on. But we can’t guarantee their safe return.”
“Lord Swifthoof is right. But can we really send someone to their doom? Do we have that right?”
“I don’t think we have any other choice. But how do we choose who is to go?” The council sat in silence for a moment as they considered the questions put before them. Finally, Lady Atiya spoke up once more.
“We choose only the best the races have to offer and we must send a priestess or two with them to help them at night.” The council all nodded then the voices started raising as they argued who were the best candidates to go.

The night seemed to last forever. Priestesses moved through the villages with orbs of bright light hovering above them as they hurried to gather up those that were caught outside. The creatures stayed back from the light, knowing the pain it brings somewhere in the back of their demented minds. Malia moved swiftly through the night, the orb keeping back the creatures as she herded people into the temple. The high priestess didn’t like the way things were going in the land but didn’t have time to dwell on it as she slammed the temple doors shut against the night. She sighed with relief as she motioned the villagers further into the temple and away from the windows.

The sounds of the creatures moving through the night made the villagers huddle in despair. The week of the Red Moon should be over yet the creatures were lurking about. Malia and the other priestesses walked through the crowds, offering comfort and helping those that had sustained injuries. Food was set out for those that had not eaten yet. Leaving the others to do the work, Malia moved swiftly to her chambers to meditate on the events of the night and what to do about them.

Although the temple was rich from the offerings to the gods, Malia’s room was nearly bare of the usual furniture. A pile of furs in one corner was her bed, the high windows were devoid of any covering. A lone table and chair stood in another corner, a candle, some papers and books were all the furnishings she needed. Moving swiftly across the floor, she gathered up one of the fur blankets from the pile, laying it out in the middle of the floor. Seating herself comfortably, Malia closed her eyes and prayed to the gods for guidance during her meditations. Peaceful darkness entered her mind and she traveled swiftly through the Celestial planes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I''m still working on it, please no editing of it. I plan to do all of that on my own when I finally finish the first draft.




You really don''''t want my thoughts on that idea.... trust me.

Hey all. Thank you for posting your writing samples and I want to apologize for not replying to anything - I''ve been having a lousy two weeks. Haven''t written a single thing I''ve been happy with, and been utterly frustrated that I''m so bad at plotting. Plus I have a script for a short original animated movie overdue because I can''t find a yaoi anime fan to beta edit for me. >.< Anyway, I''ll try to come up with some comments...

Faradhi - A solid start, good capturing of the mlitary register. I would try to personalize it more, add some more sensory detail if you intended to edit the scene.

Wild Pointer - ah, but can you apply that witty word choice to a funny story like Terry Pratchett?

Avatar God - Good editing! We can always use people who are willing to edit.

Ahw - Aside from the fact that my imagination balks at the idea of a woman cutting herself _there_, I rather like your second chapter, though I''m not particularly fond of the cruel-emotionless-type vampires. (Totally OT - Have you seen the anime Crest of the Stars? I''m just starting to watch the second season now and it seems to be both well-written and beautifully-drawn, although a little too g-rated for my tastes.)

KellzAngel - Have you read Paul Park''s Sugar Rain Trilogy? You seem to be heading towards a heavy-atmosphere somewhat horriffic story and the Sugar Rain books are a good example/inspiration of how to do that. You probably also want to slow down and spend more time describing things, but that''s a good thing to do in a first edit when you get there. I like the phrase ''a lunatic''s wet dream''.

quote: Original post by sunandshadow
Ahw - Aside from the fact that my imagination balks at the idea of a woman cutting herself _there_, I rather like your second chapter, though I''m not particularly fond of the cruel-emotionless-type vampires. (Totally OT - Have you seen the anime Crest of the Stars? I''m just starting to watch the second season now and it seems to be both well-written and beautifully-drawn, although a little too g-rated for my tastes.)

LOL ! Indeed, I am quite sure few women would like to have marks _there_ Biting nipples, on the other hand... but anyway.

I am totally shocked that you think the protagonist is cruel/emotionless !! I mean, bloody hell, I was precisely trying to show that he is a basically nice guy, with a nice wife, and he dearly loves her (all the references to "Mathilda "), but the power of the blood is stronger, hence the final "Teresa " at the end, to show that moment where he forgets her and embrace his new nature, sort of ).
awwwww :/

But my player liked it, anyway So it''s not too bad. We killed the wife altogether, severing his last link to his former humanity. He is now a character with only one thought in mind : revenge. Pretty dramatic, I think. I like.



Sancte Isidore ora pro nobis !

I''m sorry, perhaps I should have been more clear - I didn''t mean that the main character is emotionless, I meant I don''t like the worldbuilding idea that becoming a vampire makes someone emotionless, and I find it very difficult to be sympathetic with a character once he has lost his humanity like that.